beneen

I’ve now been in my village for 12 days. My first week of internet is up, and my plan is to go to Saint-Louis for the day on Tuesday, so I’m not going to spend the phone credit to re-up until after then. What can I say? Life is good.  It’s been blissfully cool the last three days, today being the best, meaning that although I sweated for a solid four hours today (not bad), I am now sitting in my room with the doors closed, wearing a long sleeved shirt.  I really wish I had a thermometer though, because I swear it can’t be below 70 degrees outside, and maybe 74 in here.

The cool weather has been especially lovely given the content of the last four days.  Four days ago, my host dad died. He doesn’t even live in my compound, and I hadn’t actually seen him since my volunteer visit a month ago, but it’s been an affecting experience. First I want to mention how people here deal with a death. I was ascending in my room when I noticed there was an abnormally loud human-made noise in the distance. It quickly became clear that it was wailing. Then my neighbor said something to my host sister-in-law (the woman of the house I live in), who let out one mournful “waay!” I was coming out of my room by this point, realizing the obvious. He’d been sick in bed since I got here, and … yeah. So we immediately walked to his compound, where the whole village was gathering. And women were wailing. I’m getting chills just thinking about it, the emotion was so raw. In general, people here don’t cry. I think I’ve mentioned that before. But in this case, it’s a full on deluge, and then it’s out of your system, I guess. Seeing that kind of mourning is powerfully moving. And being in the presence of such recent death, seeing the body removed, was… impossible to describe really. So I’ll just say it was hard. It hit the button of being so far from all the people I love when life is so precious, and you never know when it will end. I don’t think I can or should expand upon that. It’s pretty obvious why that was hard. 

Then, we spent the next three days having the funeral.  As in, family and friends came to visit, and there were people everywhere. Sitting, talking, drinking attaya. And meals are done communally. I already live with a bunch of people I’m struggling to get to know, or at Least learn the names of, and suddenly there’s an explosion of people in town who I don’t know, who don’t know me or what I’m doing here, and just know I’m the toubab.  I cannot tell you how many times that first day I heard a random stranger tell their neighbor “she doesn’t understand anything.” Which was hurtful and insanely frustrating. And of course all the people here that are kind and supportive were occupied with the activity of the funeral and having visitors. It was a very isolated day, and thankfully my mom called. Frankly, I needed to know my family at home was okay because of a completely irrational associative fear, and I needed someone I could be completely honest and vulnerable with about how crappy I felt about everything at that moment. 

So yeah, I love you mom! And I did start this blog with life is good, so I’ll get to that part J

It’s not really anything specific. I mean, today there are still a handful of funeral visitors, and there’s a whole new group here for a baby presentation thing. But Life is Good. After the phone call with my mom, I actually said a petitionary prayer. This is not a thing I do often, though I have nothing against it, really. That’s a whole other waxtaan.  And pretty immediately thereafter I had exactly what I needed. So, then I got to have the fun thought that, people argue when things like this happen over whether it was a prayer answered or a psychological shift. Was the change external or internal? But I don’t see a disagreement there. See, I’ve been playing with dichotomies again lately, and paradox has become so constant a realization in my life that it hardly bears mentioning. Point is, I guess that too is one. But it’s not. I mean, a paradox is a set of things that seem mutually exclusive, but in fact, aren’t. Nothing seems mutually exclusive anymore. Least of all this old thought about internal or external change.  Rambling now… would love comments about this.

Yeah, and the whole dichotomy thing keeps coming up for some reason. Like, back-to-Adam and Eve-style. It feels like a shift is coming, but who really knows. I remember realizing when I was young the “truth” that had Eve not eaten the apple, they wouldn’t have had the knowledge of good, because it only exists in contrast to evil or bad. But as Victor Wooten so wonderfully put it, “the ultimate truth is the infinite passing away of previous truths.” And at this point I’ve got the passing away of that one, just in that it doesn’t ring true anymore, but what does that mean? What comes next?

Here’s one thing I know: this place is beautiful.  Clear bright stars, full of constellations I do not know (hint, anyone who wants to send me a star chart of what I’m seeing, I will love you forever.) I made friends with a baobab today. He was just like “hey,” and I was like, “wow! I’ve never taken the time to hang out with you before! Let’s be friends” HAH! Yeah. Not losing it. I was like this in the states. During the day time the sky is a blue I’ve never seen before. Like, lighter around the edges with a darker, slightly grayed center. What is this about? I have no idea. And I adore all the livestock roaming around. My favorite chicken lives at my family’s main compound, and I love her because she’s kind of messed up. Like, sometimes she just starts to fall over, for no obvious reason. And she seems to be constantly distracted and like, freaking out over the flies or some kind-of chicken fleas if those exist. Why does this mean she’s my favorite? I dunno. I saw another great one today that looked like its feathers were on upside down. They were all curling out instead of curling slightly down around its body… The people must think I’m a touch crazy for how often I just stare, enraptured, at chickens and/or goats. Hate to leave it on that note, but that’s all I got right now.